Stop Losing Yourself in Marriage, [Here’s the Fix]

Let’s get real for a second. You fell in love, tied the knot, and were ready to embark on the happily-ever-after journey. But somewhere along the way, you noticed something…off. Maybe you stopped playing your guitar, practicing yoga, or hanging out with your besties as much. Or perhaps you’re feeling a bit like a supporting character in your own love story. Guess what? You’re not alone, and no, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go.

Marriage is a beautiful partnership, but it doesn’t mean you have to give up your identity. In fact, Buddhism, and good old common sense, teach us that a strong marriage is built on two complete, thriving individuals. So, if you’ve been feeling a little “lost” lately, here are some fun, practical ways to get back on track without rocking the boat.

1. Remember, You’re Not Just a Spouse

In Buddhism, the idea of anatta (no-self) reminds us that we’re constantly evolving beings. Just because you said “I do” doesn’t mean your personal growth stops.

Take a moment to reflect: What makes you you? What did you love doing before marriage? Maybe it was painting, running marathons, or geeking out over sci-fi movies. Make a list of those activities and start reintroducing them into your life. And no, this isn’t selfish; it’s self-care. When you’re fulfilled, you’re better equipped to bring joy and energy to your marriage.

2. Practice Mindful Communication

Here’s a truth bomb: resentment often sneaks into marriages when one partner feels unheard or undervalued. Practicing mindful communication can help you and your spouse connect better.

How do you do it? Set aside your phone (yes, even TikTok!) and listen with intention when your spouse speaks. Instead of thinking about what you’ll say next, focus on their words, tone, and emotions. Then, when it’s your turn to talk, share openly about your own needs and feelings. It’s not about winning an argument; it’s about understanding each other.

3. Schedule “Me Time” and “Us Time”

Ever heard the phrase, “you can’t pour from an empty cup”? It’s true! You need time to recharge on your own (hello, bubble bath with candles) and time to nurture your relationship (Netflix date night, anyone?).

Create a weekly schedule that balances individual and couple activities. For example, you could dedicate Tuesday evenings to your hobby and Friday nights to a romantic dinner. Make these appointments as non-negotiable as your dentist visits. Your mental health and relationship will thank you.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Speak Your Truth

Buddhism teaches us about right speech – communication that’s honest, kind, and beneficial. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, undervalued, or simply “meh,” don’t bottle it up. Have a heart-to-heart with your partner. Share your feelings without blame or criticism, and be open to hearing their perspective too.

For example, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try, “I’ve been feeling stressed with housework. Can we create a plan to share the load?” Simple shifts in language can make a world of difference.

5. Celebrate Each Other’s Differences

Let’s face it: you and your partner are two unique individuals, and that’s a good thing. Buddhists often talk about the importance of embracing impermanence and change, and that applies here too. Rather than trying to mold your partner into your clone (boring!), celebrate what makes them unique.

If they’re into hiking and you’re more of a yoga-in-the-park kind of person, find a way to support each other’s passions. Maybe you join them for a hike one weekend, and they roll out the yoga mat with you the next. Mutual appreciation builds intimacy and respect.

6. Let Go of Perfection

Buddhism is big on letting go, of expectations, attachments, and the idea that everything must be perfect. Guess what? Your marriage doesn’t have to look like a rom-com. It’s okay if the laundry piles up or if date night turns into takeout on the couch. What matters is the love, effort, and intention you bring to your relationship.

Let go of the “shoulds” (we should always agree, we should always be happy) and focus on being present with your partner. Imperfection is where the magic happens!

7. Meditate Together

Want a pro tip for strengthening your bond? Try meditating together. Even five minutes a day can work wonders. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. You can even try guided meditations that focus on gratitude or loving-kindness (metta bhavana).

This shared practice not only helps you reconnect with yourself but also creates a peaceful space to connect as a couple. Plus, it’s a great excuse to unplug from distractions and just be together.

8. Find Community Support

Sometimes, it takes a village, or at least a solid support network. Whether it’s a Buddhist sangha, a local book club, or a group of like-minded friends, surrounding yourself with positive influences can help you stay grounded. Share your experiences, seek advice, and learn from others who are walking the same path.

9. Laugh Often

Life can be stressful, but laughter is the ultimate glue. Watch a silly movie, tell a goofy joke, or reminisce about that time you got lost on your honeymoon. When you laugh together, you strengthen your bond and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.

Wrapping Up

Losing yourself in marriage doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it’s just a sign that it’s time to recalibrate. By embracing mindfulness, open communication, and a healthy dose of self-love, you can rediscover your unique spark while deepening your connection with your partner. Remember, a happy marriage isn’t about two people becoming one; it’s about two people walking the path together, hand in hand, as their best selves. Now go grab your partner, share a smile, and start the next chapter of your beautiful journey!